You can’t reason with a flooded brain!
Here's one of the most freeing things a parent of a boy can learn: when he's in the grip of a big feeling, that is not the moment to teach, reason or discuss.
A flooded brain can't take any of it in.
I saw it when I was a principal, I have seen it as a father and I have definitely experienced it for myself. On these occasions, when I have managed to keep my own emotions in check and remain calm, the result has been far superior to when I haven't been able to control my words and behaviour.
When a boy is angry, overwhelmed or shut down, the thinking part of his brain has effectively gone offline. Lectures bounce off. "Use your words" is asking for something he literally can't do yet.
Push harder, and you usually get a bigger storm. What he needs first isn't a lesson - it's help getting back to calm. Your steadiness is what helps him do this; we call this co-regulation, and it's the quiet skill underneath everything else.
The teaching moment does come - just later. Once the storm has passed and he's settled, that's when you gently name what happened: "It looked like you were really frustrated before when [insert scenario] happened" Naming a feeling after the fact is how a boy slowly builds the vocabulary and self-understanding to handle next time it occurs.
So the order matters:
Connect and Calm first
Name and Teach second
Get those the right way round and half the battle disappears.
Maggie also describes self-regulation as a skill we co-regulate into being (https://www.maggiedent.com/blog/self-regulation/) long before a child can manage alone.
She makes the same point about school: a dysregulated boy needs to feel safe before any consequence can land (https://www.maggiedent.com/blog/helping-boys-cope-better-at-school-tips-for-teachers-and-parents/).
Calm first, every time.